If I act weird sometimes

it's not because of you
the things in my head make me act that way
i'm sorry if I seem quiet
or angry or upset
I just need some time to empty out these thoughts
and go through my compulsions
I'll bite my lip
and scratch my arms
pick at my neck
and rub my eyes

sometimes its worse than others
I can easily push through once in a while
it's not that bad
just a little tiring
but I can do it
others though, I can't even move
it takes all my energy just to not start breaking down
because I would never want you to see me like that
I don't want anyone to see me that vulnerable.
All I can do is lay there.
All I can do is close my eyes
and pray it stops soon.

this weekend I had a bad one
I just said I had a headache
which wasn't a total lie
but really, there was more than just an ache in my head
I have no idea what triggered it
I was fine for a while
but it just gradually got worse and worse throughout the day
to the point where I couldn't fight it anymore.

certain things helped
some things just made it worse
seeing you definitely didn't help
you are just a reminder now of how I only know how to hurt people
and then seeing him made me realize how
I'm just never good enough

being by water usually helps
but when we went
it reminded me of this place california
where I used to go fishing
with my grandfather

I really wanted to just walk away
from everyone
and everthing
but I knew I couldn't
I would either have been followed
or have been considered rude

I really just want this all to stop
i'm ready to get better
I really am
I promise

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