10.31.2009

I'll have no hope in you

til you give me a reason to.

10.30.2009

I'll need new contraceptives, green eyes

I found god when you left him, green eyes

I don't know why I'm quoting say anything
when I just came from a tegan and sara concert
shiksa has just been in my head a lot of the day

and it's probably because I didn't enjoy the tegan and sara show
well yeah, I enjoyed it
theyre amazing
but they played the ENTIRE new album
which I only like 4 songs from
so the rest of the songs
I felt like I might as well have taken a nap during

the only time I was truely enjoying myself
was when they were playing their old stuff
their older stuff
makes me happy
it really does
well not really
it actually makes me sad
but i'm happy that their songs have an impact on me
I feel something

this is one of the funniest tegan and sara videos I've ever seen


and this is the reaction to what just happened in that video

the first time

that i'll see you
since everything
I know it's not gonna be awkward
it will just be different
kind of like meeting for the first time
but at the same time still being who we were.
im ready for this
I really am.
this is us moving on
but really moving forward
not together, but still together.
we can do this.
I can do this.

bring-on-the-night-103708322.jpg


itunes, oh how i've been ignoring you

we meet again darling
and this time around
you have a grand amount of new music to grace my ears
sing to me itunes.

itunes-logo033108.png

say anything to me



When I was 8 years old
Before puberty took hold
I thought I'd
End up beside a princess bride
And love was indivisible
Never mind how my taste reflects
A disturbing Oedipal complex
It's not awkward girl
The compliments are coming next

You're no witch, you're no wench,
You're like Bjork with better fashion sense
A phone, 50 cents, and I'm building up my confidence
Respect to your work, you're an artist,
I'm a silly jerk
I think that dynamic could work
So work it

I have a total crush on you, baby
And I can't let it go, oh no
I have a total crush on you baby, baby!
If only I could let you know

When we spoke no joke
I started shedding slutty girls
Like snake skin, my collection
Acquired through shallow misdirection
And as I drive tonight
West coast sky
Daring me to try
I feel alive tonight
Possibility, that I'm your guy
Though I suffer from dyslexia,
Mild man-orexia
And my hair cannot commit
To one popular genre of music
And though they all claim,
That a girl can't take a boy's last name
Or end up divorced and estranged
I'm counting on you

I have a total crush on you, baby
And I can't let it go, oh no
I have a total crush on you baby, baby!
If only I could

Your other suitors are no poets
They're only actors who can play guitar
Have I won your heart?
They're not students or screenwriters
They're only models that they taught to read
Love would you agree?

I have a total crush on you, baby
And I can't let it go, oh no
I have a total crush on you baby, baby!
If only I could

Quite sure you love me, Sherri
Quite sure I love you too
We should make a verbal agreement to only to kiss each other
Cause one time, beneath the sky, outside my new york pigsty
I saw a vision of you and I! haha!

Did it hurt? Did it hurt? Did it hurt,
When you fell from heaven girl?
Did it hurt? Did it hurt? Did it hurt,
When you fell from heaven girl?
La da-da da-da da-da, la da-da da-da
La da-da da-da da-da, la da-da da-da

10.29.2009

i'm not gonna lie

you've gotten boring.
yes you have.

I NEED TO GO SNOWBOARDING

I MISS THIS
OKEMO
I MUST GO TO YOU
NOW
UGHHH
8 MONTHS IS WAY TO LONG TO BE AWAY FROM YOU
I NEED TO GET MY BOARD ONTO SOME SNOW






yes please?

I suck at regular surfing
i'd probably suck at this too
don't care
I wanna try

halloween checklist

-finish sewing skirt
-finish sewing top
-paint shoes green
-get wings
-get glitter
-get blood
-get fake eyelashes (maybe)
-get red lipstick
-get pompoms for the shoes (maybe)
-sew hendryx's hat

BACNE/SCHACNE

why have you returned?!?!
I guess it's a good idea that im being a zombie tinkerbell for halloween
cause then I'm just covering my back and shoulders in blood
to cover the acne
=]

tinkerbell-pixie-1.jpg

I have a hard on for my L-train

TECHNOLOGY ALERT

102909Lscreen.jpg


I love how after I stopped using the myrtle wyckoff stop, and started using the halsey stop, they installed the screens at myrtle wyckoff


and now that I rarely go to williamsburg

they finally put the screens at the bedford stop

wtf

wtf

wtf


im guessing this was why the time screens on all the platforms werent working yesterday?

10.28.2009

A Doll of New York

I did it as a joke at first
but I might have actually gotten the job?
I find out tomorrow morning.
That means I gotta get used to hearing bad 80's metal all the time.

Let's Not Get Our Hopes Up Shall We?




I know you probably weren't talking about me.
Although it'd be nice if you were.

I won't colour your world
I want to colour you
I think you can colour your world for yourself
Because you're already able to brighten up mine.
But i'll add some red, green, purple and pink to you body
and some yellow, orange, and blue to your mind.

They didn't call me rainbow brite for nothing
..that was probably one of my best halloween costumes ever
I made my own rainbow brite costume
and it was the shit
way better than the store bought one.

I can see it starting already

Please don't treat me any different now.
I'm not as fragile as you might think.

10.27.2009

this is for you.


"Toy Boy"

I'm a wind up toy
In an up-down world
If you leave me all alone
I'll make a mess for sure

I've a heart of gold
In the smallest size
Leave me in the dark
You never hear me cry

More than an illustration
Points of articulation
Come to life on a brass spring
Such a wonderful plaything

Its a cruel cross
That I have to bear
If you come a little close
I'm going to pull your hair

More than just a toy
In a patched blue suit
When you hold me in your arms
I'm just a boy like you

But your momma thought
There was something wrong
Didn't want you sleeping
With a boy too long

It's a serious thing
In a grown-up world
Maybe you'd be better
With a Barbie girl

You knew that
I adored ya
But you left me in Georgia
Toys are not sentimental;
How could i be for rental?

She's the meanest hag
That has ever been
Pulled out my insides
With an old safety pin

I'm the sorest sight
Now I feel like trash
Clothes are made of rags
And they don't even match

So she dressed me up
As the man she loved
And threw me in a box
When she had had enough

Now the light of day
I no longer see
She stuck her voodoo pins
Where my eyes used to be

Accidentally tragic
Victim of her black magic
Had a boy once who loved me
Now he's so afraid of me

On a long lost day
When you're grey and old
You'll be there remembering
Your old toy boy

When your only son's
Wondering what to be
Tell him the story of
A boy like me
Oooooooo
Oooooooo

right now I wish my eyes were blue


"Blue Eyes"

Your heart is broken
To your surprise
You're sick of crying
For blue eyes
So tired of living
Misunderstood
Think hard woman
I think you should

Come, sorrow is so peculiar
It comes in a day, then it'll never leave you
You take a pill, wonder if it will fix you
They wonder why sorrow has never left you

I'm talkin' bout blue eyes, blue eyes
What's the matter, matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
What's the matter matter
so blind, so blind
What's the matter, matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
What's the matter with you?

Ohh, you'll wind up broken
At the end of the round
Won't find your spirit
In a lost and found
Oh I've been watching
How you behave
Not much like a lover
More like a slave

Come, sorrow is so peculiar
It comes in a day, then it'll never leave you
You take a pill, wonder if it will fix you
They wonder why sorrow has never left you

I'm talkin' bout blue eyes, blue eyes
What's the matter, matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
What's the matter matter
so blind, so blind
What's the matter, matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
What's the matter with:

Blue eyes, blue eyes
What's the matter matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
What's the matter matter
so blind, so blind
What's the matter, matter
Blue eyes, blue eyes
What's the matter with you?
What's the matter with you?
What's the matter with you

I will live where soul meets body...I will...

video

4:30 am
still not asleep
probably won't sleep for another 14 hours or so.

my journal is right next to me
containing my withdrawal papers
and the reasons that have all led me up to this point
they read as follows:

unknowing
indecisiveness
pain
physical pain
depression
insomnia
bad thoughts
bad dreams
lazy
tired
eating too much
eating too little
not eating at all
eating things that will probably kill me one day
not doing sports
smoking cigarettes
fatigue
shame
unworthy of my friends
strange
vanity
isolation
closing myself off from the world
narcism
neglect
anger
paranoia
hatred
trust
abandonment
pills
drugs
hospitals
phone calls
disappointment
undeserving
not normal
mom
dad
relationships
sex
sex with the wrong people
no sex with the right people
not being able to have a single healthy relationship
pressure
school
stress
career
fear
friends
weird
alcohol
love
lack of love
loving too much
loving the wrong people
loving the right people but it's still not right
not being able to do anything right
making mistakes
making even more mistakes
not fixing my mistakes
not taking responsibility

Thank you.
To everyone who is helping me
And thank you to those who just don't understand.
You've shown me that not everyone has to understand
It's impossible to make everyone aware of how you're feeling.
It's okay.

Thank you for making me cry.
In every word you wrote I saw myself.
I'm glad you were able to share that with me.
I just hope you know that you're not as alone as you might think you are.
It was all very weird timing....and I mean everything... but I guess this shows that we know nothing about what it is to be normal eh?
"...its something ive let slide so long because of my pride that its almost to the point of permanently affecting my life". you and me both boy. you and me both. It'll all be okay. We'll be okay. Everything will be alright. For everyone.



10.26.2009

...

I can't believe it came down to this.
But I really needed help.
And I getting it.
I will be okay.
It will all be fine.
I will get through this.
I'm not scared anymore to ask for help.


I'm only broken.
So that means I can probably be fixed.

I'm not as strong as you thought.
I don't have everything figured out.
It's probably almost like you're meeting a new Sara.
But really this is who i've been all along.
So say Hi to the real me.

10.25.2009

Eat bullshit like it's a cupcake.


Short Stories With Tragic Endings - From Autumn To Ashes

Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
The look stapled on your face cries out for forgiveness,
the one thing that I cannot give.

(Did you ever see that one person
and the way they do these things
and it hurts you so much it's like choking...choking)

I can give you freedom from your guilt,
with a flick of my wrist onto yours.
I can give you peace of mind with a forced smile.

I can give you death with the look upon my face.

This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss & no regrets;
you don't deserve good bye.
This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss & no good bye.

Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
With a short story, the one you add to daily, you are the tragic loss.
No story book ending for this fairy tale of you.
Just the one composed with blood taken from your pen that you hold in your lifeless hand.
Cry for you. Shed tears. Mourn. Wish the end.
Cry for you. Shed tears. Mourn. Wish the end.
Mourn, wish the end
Mourn, wish the end
Mourn, wish the end

Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person,
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?

So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
You let this one person come down in the most perfect moment.
And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I'll never have...
I'll never have... I'll never...
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in...
standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in...
But this table for one has become bearable.

I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you.
Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.

It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
And you let this one person come down...come down...I cherish you...I cherish you.
Just say that you would do the same for me...

just say you would do the same for me...
just say you would do the same...
just say you would do the same, for me
For as much as I love Autumn,
I'm giving myself to Ashes.


This is the finished writing.
it wasn't done yet in the other pictures
the other pictures were just to get the finished tree.




My memories, they`re mementos

manana =] cartel & this providence


So open up your chest and let the birds free.
So meet me under the deserted desert tree.
We'll eat sand crumpets and drink cactus tea,
well pretend this dirt is sea.

My Dick.

"I'm the colour GREEN.
yes. that's my costume.
I'm a colour.
GREEN!"





My dick cost a late night fee
Your dick got the HIV
My dick plays on the double feature screen
Your dick went straight to DVD

My dick - bigger than a bridge
Your dick look like a little kid's
My dick - large like the Chargers, the whole team
Your shit look like you fourteen

My dick - locked in a cage, right
Your dick suffer from stage fright
My dick - so hot, it's stolen
Your dick look like Gary Coleman

My dick - pink and big
Your dick stinks like shit
My dick got a Caesar do,
Your dick needs a tweezer, dude

My dick is like super size
Your dick look like two fries
My dick - more mass than the Earth
Your dick - half staff, it needs work

My dick - been there done that
Your dick sits there with dunce cap
My dick - V.I.P.
Your shit needs I.D.

It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus

It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus

My dick need no introduction
Your dick don't even function
My dick served a whole lunch -in
Your dick - it look like a munchkin

My dick - size of a pumpkin
Your dick look like Macaulay Culkin
My dick - good good lovin'
Your dick - good for nothin'

My dick bench pressed 350
Your dick couldn't shoplift at Thrifty
My dick - pretty damn skippy
Your dick - hungry as a hippie

My dick don't fit down the chimney
Your dick is like a kid from the Philippines
My dick is like an M16
Your dick - broken vending machine

My dick parts the seas
Your dick farts and queefs
My dick - rumble in the jungle
Your dick got touched by your uncle

My dick goes to yoga
Your dick - fruit roll -up
My dick - grade -A beef
Your dick - Mayday geek

My dick - sick and dangerous
Your dick - quick and painless
My dick - 'nuff said.
Your dick loves Fred

It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus

It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus

10.24.2009

youre wrong


they're not baby blue
theyre green
idiot.
why am I the only person that sees myself as having green eyes.
not that I would hate to have blue eyes
but I honestly just don't see it.
I understand they have a little blue in them
but theyre mostly green
I wish on my permit I could've put green/blue/gray/yellow as my eye colour
thatd be legendary

this song will forever haunt me





this song is disgusting but beautiful at the same time
deadsy...how you send chills of many different kinds down my spine
the beat of this song is just addictive, and makes me want to dance
or just grab the next person I see and tear off their clothes
but then once you listen to the lyrics, and the childish laughter
it makes you feel dirty.

a la la la la la

oh itsy bitsy titsy girl
where are you
oh itsy bitsy titsy
said our love was true
oh my itsy bitsy titsy
so young and so unused

now itsy bitsy titsy
plays a mean hop-scotch
as she does her little ditty
I can stare at her crotch
oh my itsy bitsy titsy
little queen of double dutch

now itsy bitsy titsy girl
where are you
oh itsy bitsy titsy
with those eyes so blue
oh i love how itsy bitsys
little blouse is so see through

so itsy bitsy titsy
now your off to camp
but I bet
those itsy bitsy undies still are damp
I'll be waiting for September
in the playground outside
your class

now itsy bitsy titsy
quit when i wasnt through
I found a place to keep her hid
where nobody knew
now my itsy bitsy titsy
lights up all of my afternoons

oh itsy bitsy titsy
as I came she blew
still she doesnt hold
her candle to her black
silk suit
as she clutches itsy bitsy titsy
now we're three from two

I wish too...




I made the first move baby I said hi and you said maybe
this crowd seems empty or am I just tempted to say goodnight.
I am a must see tv i saw how and you said easy
this bottle seems empty or am i just tempted to fight, fight, fight.

When you came on to me your vision was blurred
what a dramatic way let me buy you a drink
and we'll sing oh-oh-oh your not leavein here alone.

Baby I said fight fight and I meant it
maybe we need some time alone to regroup
and apply all the laws of attraction...
Baby, we need some time.

What I really meant to say was, "I can feel it"



10.23.2009

don't worry

im not as stupid as you were
im not going to make the same mistakes as you
im stronger
I can handle this.
it's you who im worried about.

...am I competent in your eyes?

early morning battery park adventures.
coffee, cigarette, paper, sudoku, kenken, crosswords, photography, my journal, a pen, and empty thoughts.

see what I see
I think you'll like it.
never underestimate me.
i'll surprise you.


"...then for the first time, someone came along
and put back the pieces.
Someone sweet, talented, intelligent, lame and
so god damn genuine brought happiness
back into my life.
You."





so while I was sitting up on this bench, this class of little kids, probably 4 yr olds
came running up the stairs
they were adorable.
they started talking to me, and asking my name and what I was doing
and I wrote down some of the things I heard them say
this was the best one though

"I love him. He loves me. That's why we're best friends! Come on jason! Let's go get married!"
oh darling, if only it was that easy.

We were his secrets.
His 2 prides that he had to let go
Time to make secrets of our own....

Might paint something I might want to hang here someday.Might write something I want to say to you someday

'
"Jk, I added more shrooms"

okay he wins.
If I added more shrooms to my dinner last night
it'd be chef boyarde spaghetti with shrooms
which would probably taste like shit.
and not as pretty as that.

TEGAN AND SARA
OCT 30
The tickets are just taunting me in the living room.
I can't wait.

CARTEL
OCT 27
The tickets are just taunting me in my bedroom.
Time goes too slow.



10.22.2009

I'm just a painter and I'm drawing a blank.



They say quitters never win

and spitters are quitters
so the winners are the swallowers
;)

it's me and my plus one at the afterlife


I honestly wouldn't want a plus one.
I'd want a plus many to join me
Plus one would get a tad boring after a century or 2
A plus many, now that's an eternal party
But I would like a plus one there also.
So let's change it to
It's me and my plus one and many at the afterlife.
yup
that's more like it.

it's now the time to wake and forget.
you missed out man.
you really did.
oh yeah, and so did you.
and you too.
you really did
will you too? probably.

10.21.2009

talk to me in your sleep

carly in her sleep "mom...I think we lost dad"
"really dipshit? cause you did that"

10.20.2009

Drinking Change For Contentment?

Massive project with rose.

Story/Play/Musical based on our lives

accompanied by songs by death cab for cutie.

Based on all true events.

i'm not really sure of who ACTUALLY reads this.

so all names have been changed to colours for protection.

some secrets are meant to stay secrets.



Got a good amount of the songs done.

Dialogue to come shortly.



The New Year

Purple:
So this is the new year


And I don't feel any different

The clanking of crystal

Explosions off in the distance (In the distance)



Pink:

So this is the new year

And I have no resolutions

For self-assigned penance

For problems with easy solutions



Purple:

So everybody put your best suit or dress on

Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once

Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn

As thirty dialogues bleed into one



Red:

I wish the world was flat like the old days

Then I could travel just by folding a map

No more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways

There'd be no distance that can hold us back

There'd be no distance that could hold us back

There'd be no distance that could hold us back



Purple:

So this is the new year

Pink:

So this is the new year

Red:

So this is the new year

Red,Pink & Purple

So this is the new year



Tiny Vessels


Pink talking to Black
This is the moment that you know


That you told her that you loved her, but you don't

You touch her skin and then you think

That she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me

Yeah, she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me


Red talking to Purple

I spent two weeks in Silver Lake

The California sun cascading down my face

There was a girl with light brown streaks

And she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me

Yeah, she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me


Black talking to pink

I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking

As we moved together in the dark

And all the friends that I was telling

And all the playful misspellings

And every bite I gave you left a mark


Red & Black

As tiny vessels oozed into your neck

And formed the bruises

That you said you didn't want to fade

But they did and so did I that day


Purple:

All I see are dark gray clouds

In the distance, moving closer with every hour

So when you'd ask, "Is something wrong?"

I'd think, "You're damn right there is But we can't talk about it now

No, we can't talk about it now"


Red

So one last touch and then you'll go
Purple

And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
Pink

But it was vile, and it was cheap
Black

And you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me
Red

Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me
Black and Red

Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me



Lack Of Colour



Purple About Black
And when I see you

I really see you upside down

But my brain knows better

It picks you up and turns you around

Turns you aroundTurns you around


Red About Yellow

If you feel discouraged

When there's a lack of color here

Please don't worry lover

It's really bursting at the seams

Absorbing everything

The spectrum's A to Z


Red and Pink

This is fact, not fiction

For the first time in years

All the girls in every girlie magazine

Can't make me feel any less alone

I'm reaching for the phone


Pink and Red

To call at 7:03

And on your machine, I slur a plea

For you to come home

But I know it's too late

I should have given you a reason to stay

Given you a reason to stay

Given you a reason to stay

Given you a reason to stay


Pink

This is fact, not fiction

For the first time in years...



Passenger Seat



Pink And Purple
I roll the window down

And then begin to breathe in

The darkest country road

And the strong scent of evergreen

From the passenger seat as you are driving me home


Then looking upwards

I strain my eyes

And try to tell the difference

Between shooting stars and satellites

From the passenger seat as you are driving me home



"Do they collide?"

I ask and you smile

With my feet on the dash

The world doesn't matter


Pink

When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride

Purple
When you need directions then I'll be the guide

Pink and Purple
For all time

For all time


A Movie Script Ending

Blue
Whenever I come back

The air on Railroad is making the same sounds

And the shop fronts on Holly are dirty words(Asterisks in for the vowels)

We peered through the windows

New bottoms on barstools

But the people remain the same

With prices inflating, inflating


Black about blue

As if saved from the gallows

There's a bellow of buzzers

And the people stop working

And they're all so excited, excited


Black about blue

Passing through unconscious states

When I awoke I was on the highway

Highway, highway, highway


Black about blue

With your hand on my shoulders

A meaningless movement

A movie script ending

And the patrons are leaving, leaving


Black about blue

Passing through unconscious states

When I awoke I was on the highway

Highway, highway, highway

Highway, highway, highway, highway


Black about blue

Now we all know the words were true

In the sappiest songs, yes, yes

I'll put them to bed, but they won't sleep

They're just shuffling the sheets

They toss and turn (You can't begin to get it back)


Black about blue

Passing through unconscious states

When I awoke I was on

The onset of a later stage

The headlights are beacons on the highway

Highway, highway, highway

Highway, highway, highway, highway



Crooked Teeth

Pink
It was 100 degrees as we sat beneath a willow tree

Whose tears didn't care, they just hung in the air

And refused to fall, to fall

I knew I'd made a horrible call

And now the state line felt like the Berlin wall

And there was no doubt about which side I was on


Pink

Because I built you a home in my heart

With rotten wood that decayed from the start


Purple

Because you can't find nothing at all

If there was nothing there all along

No, you can't find nothing at all

If there was nothing there all along


Purple

I braved treacherous streets

And kids strung out on homemade speed

And we shared a bed in which I could not sleep

At all, woo hoo, woo hoo oo oo hoo

At night, the sun in retreat

Made the skyline look like crooked teeth

In the mouth of a man who was devouring us both

You're so cute when you're slurring your speech

But they're closing the bar and they want us to leave


Black

And you can't find nothing at all

If there was nothing there all along

No, you can't find nothing at all

If there was nothing there all along

I'm a war of head versus heart

And it's always this way

My head is weak, my heart always speaks

Before I know what it will say


Orange

Because you can't find nothing at all

If there was nothing there all along

No, you can't find nothing at all

If there was nothing there all along

There were churches, theme parks and malls

There was nothing there all along



Your Heart Is An Empty Room

Purple to Pink
Burn it down

Until the embers smoke on the ground

And start new when your heart is an empty room

With walls of the deepest blue


Purple to Pink

Home's face, how it ages when you're away

The spring blooms

Then you find the love that's true

But you don't know what now to do

Because the chase is all you know

And he stopped running months ago


Purple to Pink

And all you see

Is where else you could be

When you're at home

And out on the street

Are so many possibilities

To not be alone


Red to yellow

Flames and smoke

Climbed out of every window

And disappeared

With everything that you held dear

But you shed not a single tear

For the things that you didn't need

Because you knew you were finally free


Red to yellow

And all you see

Is where else you could be

When you're at home

And out on the street

Are so many possibilities

To not be alone


Red to yellow

And all you see

Is where else you could be

When you're at home

And out on the street

Are so many possibilities

To not be alone


Pink and yellow

And there on the street

Are so many possibilities

To not be alone


What Sarah Said

Red
And it came to me then

That every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time

As I stared at my shoes in the ICU

That reeked of piss and 409

And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself

That I'd already taken too much today

As each descending peak on the LCD

Took you a little farther away from me

Away from me


Pink

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines

In a place where we only say goodbye

It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend

On a faulty camera in our minds

But I knew that you were a truth

I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all

And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground

As the TV entertained itself


Red And Pink

Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room

Just nervous paces bracing for bad news

Then the nurse comes around and everyone lifts their head

But I'm thinking of what Sarah said

That love is watching someone die


Black
So who's going to watch you die
Blue
So who's going to watch you die
Green
So who's going to watch you die
Orange
So who's going to watch you die
Yellow
So who's going to watch you die
Pink
So who's going to watch you die
Red
So who's going to watch you die

I know Why I'm Fat



This has to be done
Very soon.
Like Now.
Rose- "not now!"
but I say very soon.
when we are not filled to the brim with shrimp tempura and yamyam fries.

I'm Weird because I hate goodbyes

And here we go again.
Same story.
Different time.
It always happens like this.
If I try to fix it, I could possibly just ruin it all.
I wish I could easily forget everything.
I wish I could easily not think about anything.
Truth is my mind never stops.
One thing to another.
One problem to the next.
It never stops.
I can't concentrate.
I can't sleep.
I can't even be happy.

I wish I knew what would fix all of this.
Some things I know would help.
But i'm just so hesitant to ask for help.
I have the hardest time admitting something is wrong.
Even though I know there is.
The only things that makes it okay are when I get lost in thought.
I get so lost that I don't even remember what I'm thinking.
But then I make some form of connection to what's troubling me.
It's a horrible cycle that I just can't seem to stop.

I would love to know what I do wrong.
Because all I do is try to make myself and others happy.
But maybe what I think makes others happy really just pushes them away.
I have no way of knowing this though.
No one says what they feel
No one says what they think.
Am I the only person that actually enjoys talking about emotions?
It feels so amazing to just be able to tell a person how you feel or how you feel about them
Or to just be able to talk about a situation youre in.
I love having everything in the open.
Communication is so important to me sometimes.
Even though I know I'm not always going to hear things I want to hear.
I hear the truth.
I hear honesty
I hear your thoughts
Your emotions.
Your fears.
Your issues.
I want to know.
I want to know it all.
I want to be able to help.
I want to know where I stand.
Where I am in your life.
What I am to you.
What you love about me.
What you hate about me.
Alexisonfire reference time.
Sometimes love isn't about
how much someone suits you
But how much you're willing to change to suit them.
But this only works when you actually KNOW what to change
Or what to do.

Barbara just texted me saying "I like to make myself believe...that planet earth turns slowly"
I responded saying "I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes"
Which is very true.
I do really hate goodbyes.
Does that make me weird?
I think everyone hates goodbyes.
There's not reason a person would love to say goodbye (unless it's to a person that they truely do not care for)
But in general, goodbye is never a word that is fun to say.

Lab is over.
So my ranting shall have to wait to continue til later.
Time to call rose now and talk about our possible Death Cab For Cutie Musical.


10.19.2009

sainthood

ARROW
would you take a straight and narrow
critical look at me
would you tell me
tough love style put judicial weight on me
if youre thinking anything
if youre thinking endlessly
if youre thinking anything
if youre thinking
I feel the breeze
feel feathers of an arrow
out in my yard
feathers of an arrow
I take my aim
you feel me coming close
I take my aim so you feel me coming close
I feel the breeze
feel feathers of an arrow
out in my yard
feathers of an arrow
I take my aim
you feel me coming close
I take my aim so you feel me coming close
would you take a calm and tender terminal kind of care
what you touch me cling and wadge an intimate fight for me
if youre thinking anything
if youre thinking endlessly
if youre thinking anything
if youre thinking
I feel the breeze
feel feathers of an arrow
out in my yard
feathers of an arrow
I take my aim
you feel me coming close
I take my aim so you feel me coming close
I feel the breeze
feel feathers of an arrow
out in my yard
feathers of an arrow
I take my aim
you feel me coming close
I take my aim so you feel me coming close
I feel the breeze
feel feathers of an arrow
out in my yard
feathers of an arrow
I take my aim
you feel me coming close
I take my aim so you feel me coming close


HELL
No, I'm not ready for a big bad step in their direction
No, I'm not ready for downtown trash and void collection
Four blocks, run and hide
Don't walk alone at night
Cityscapes, cities change before they die
Four blocks, I should mention in a song
If I wanted, get along and change you
Who doesn't wanna change this?

I know you feel it too
These words get overused
When we get up and over it and over them
Up and over it and over them
I know you feel it too
It all seems so untrue
When you get up and over it and over them
Oh oh, oh no, oh oh, oh no

No, we're not ready for fair distribution
Just a terminal solution for
No, we're not ready for hell
Hell no, for hell, hell no
Four days wide awake,
Why slide along and say
Girls afraid, girl will change, just move away
Four days that I mention in a song
Move along, get ahead, get a hand and bring her with you

I know you feel it too
These words get overused
When we get up and over it and over them
Up and over it and over them
I know you feel it too
It all seems so untrue
When you get up and over it and over them
Oh oh, oh no, oh oh, oh no

Four ways to remove all the bad that we do
From the heart and the soul of the city, sad and cold
Four ways to collect what we say and what we save
To discard and discover a brand new way

I know you feel it too
These words get overused
When we get up and over it and over them
Up and over it and over them
I know you feel it too
It all seems so untrue
When you get up and over it and over them
Up and over it and over them

I know you feel it too
These words get overused
When we get up and over it and over them
Up and over it and over them
I know you feel it too
It all seems so untrue
When you get up and over it and over them
Oh oh, oh no, oh oh, oh no
Oh oh, oh no, oh oh, oh no

It's All For A Reason

Trade Wide-Eyed Browns for Baby Blues,
I've loved everything about you that hurts,
So let me see your moves,
Let me see your moves,
Things aren't the same anymore
I know I'm not supposed to love you
I'm not supposed to love you -G.I.N.A.S.F.S.
I speak fast and I'm not gonna repeat myself, no
So listen carefully to every word I say
When I said that I'd return to you I meant more like a relapse -It's hard to say I do when I don't
What have I gotten into this time around
I know that I had sworn I'd never trust
anyone again but I didn't have to
You had me at hello.
I've never seen a smile that can light the room like yours
It's simply radiant, I feel more with everyday that goes by
I watch the clock to make my timing just right -You had me at hello

That first step that you took was the worst.
Since then you've walked a thousand miles in solace and short remark,
And I still have these memories,
But will never see what we could have been.
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember, cause that's all you can do.
We'll never make another memory,
You said they were,
What happened?
You were a priority,
Was I an option?
So, we'll go our own ways,
And hopefully you'll remember these things I've told you,
Hopefully you'll understand that everything I said is in sincerity.
A broken heart is not what I wanted from this,
But I guess I've learned from it.
But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?
I don't consider this a mistake,
I just wish the story didn't end this way. -A Year From Now
Here we stand again
Another day has passed us
With its lack of change
And all we have is what we share
And all we want is someone else to be there
And if the sun will set tonight
Hold our secrets up to the sky
It's hard to get to understand
When our own lives are in our hands
And don't stop when you've never been closer
Just 'cause you don't know what matters most
The way won't always be so clearly right in front of us -Here We Stand
And you wanna camp out and I wanna fuck around
In the dark
In the dark -Camp Out
what made you hesitate
to tell me with words what you really feel?
i can see it in your eyes you mean all of what you say
only time will tell
time will turn and tell
could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
can't help but entertain these thoughts
thoughts of us together - A Day Late
Let me tell you how its been these 2 weeks have been a living hell
Overcoming the fact that this would never be
(Dont tell me it was that easy)
To give up on something that you never fought for - Assurance Closure

After all the fights are over, we're just another day older
I've been going on weeks without sleep
And God, I might need another drink before
the night runs out
Before we all wind down
Before the night runs out
Before we all unwind - Operator
We've got each other figured out
So what do we do here? -Love me honestly
Thrilling to know
There is no control
She's got the soul of poet
And the fire of a bullet
She is what she is
Nothing less or unspoken
She don't love you no more
She's in love with a motive, yeah- Love with a motive
But I know in the end this will turn out wrong
See I've been known to fall in love
But sometimes love just is not enough
And my heart will stray
Before too long
So please forgive me when I sing this song- Forgive me
At least this I'll admit
For what I've done, I am not proud
But there's no need to pretend, no need for innocence
I've got to be honest now
My verdict has come in,
It says I'm guilty for my sins this time.
I thought I could escape,
But then I finally felt the weight,
Of my crimes.
It's passion, it's not love,
Infatuation never ends up right.
At least I won't be alone tonight.
'Cuz I don't want to be alone tonight -Confessions
So here's to living life miserable.
And here's to all the lonely stories that I've told.
Maybe drinking wine will validate my sorrow.
Every girl needs a muse and mine could be the bottle. -The Death of Me
How do I end up this way
A constant knot in my gut
Tied with uncertainty and with lust
A classic case I suppose
A haunted girl who can't out run her ghosts
They're in my skin and my bones - Constant knot
And I'm afraid that I have already lost you - In The Water, I Am Beautiful
And I can still remember, you know I can still hear your voice, your voice.
Although your silence, your silence still rings so clear.
And do you think, and do you think I would call
just to hear you breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe?
You always knew, you always knew that just one word would dry up all my tears. -Sam Malone


Give Me Danger

Two in a blackened room

my best friend my girl friend in one bedroom.

I found out cause I was bound to.

I can't believe what you did. I trusted you two.

Now I'm just standing here.

I can't help but hear the mess you're into.

My ears burn. My head can't stop.

I'm turning round, round, round ...


"Ut oh," she said "Is he home early?"

"Who what," he said. "Now what was that?"

"Oh no. You better run away.

Your best friend's back."

"Ut oh," she said, "Is he home early?"

"Who what," he said. "Now what was that?"

"Oh no. You better run away.

Your best friend's back."


It feels so good when we know that our love is wrong

or when we try to go where we don't belong.

Give me danger. Give me danger.

Danger ... Danger ... Give me danger.


It feels so good when we know that our love is wrong

Let's go one last time and then I'm gone.

Give me danger. Give me danger.

Danger ... Danger ... Give me danger.


It feels so good ... We know that it's so...


Just standing here.

I can't help but hear the mess you're into.

In a blackened room

my best friend my girl friend in one bedroom.

My ears burn. My head can't stop.

I'm turning round, round, round ...

I found out cause I was bound to.

I can't believe what you did. I trusted you.


"Ut oh," she said "Is he home early?"

"Who what," he said. "Now what was that?"

"Oh no. You better run away.

Your best friend's back."

"Ut oh," she said, "Is he home early?"

"Who what," he said. "Now what was that?"

"Oh no. You better run away.

Your best friend's back."


It feels so good when we know that our love is wrong.

or when we try to go where we don't belong.

Give me danger. Give me danger.

Danger ... Danger ... Give me danger.


It feels so good when we know that our love is wrong.

Let's go one last time and then I'm gone.

Give me danger. Give me danger.

Danger ... Danger ... Give me danger.


TEAR YOU APART

Got a big plan, his mind's set, maybe it's right
At the right place and right time, maybe tonight
In a whisper or handshake sending a sign
Wanna make out and kiss hard, wait never mind

Late night, in passing, mention it flip to her
Best friend, it's no thing, maybe it slipped
but the slip turns to terror and a crush to like
when she walked in he froze up, leave it to fright

It's cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, knees get weak
escape was just a nod and a casual wave
Obsess about it, heavy for the next two days

It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart

Then he walked up and told her, thinking maybe it'd pass
And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance
Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there
Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare

They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do
Cause theres always repercussions.
But their lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last

Either way he wanted her and this was bad
Wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy
Now a little crush turned into a like
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I wanna fucking tear you apart



...so does that explain everything?!

carly in her sleep just said "some sick part of me takes pleasure in other people's misery"
amen sista.