4:30 am
still not asleep
probably won't sleep for another 14 hours or so.
my journal is right next to me
containing my withdrawal papers
and the reasons that have all led me up to this point
they read as follows:
unknowing
indecisiveness
pain
physical pain
depression
insomnia
bad thoughts
bad dreams
lazy
tired
eating too much
eating too little
not eating at all
eating things that will probably kill me one day
not doing sports
smoking cigarettes
fatigue
shame
unworthy of my friends
strange
vanity
isolation
closing myself off from the world
narcism
neglect
anger
paranoia
hatred
trust
abandonment
pills
drugs
hospitals
phone calls
disappointment
undeserving
not normal
mom
dad
relationships
sex
sex with the wrong people
no sex with the right people
not being able to have a single healthy relationship
pressure
school
stress
career
fear
friends
weird
alcohol
love
lack of love
loving too much
loving the wrong people
loving the right people but it's still not right
not being able to do anything right
making mistakes
making even more mistakes
not fixing my mistakes
not taking responsibility
Thank you.
To everyone who is helping me
And thank you to those who just don't understand.
You've shown me that not everyone has to understand
It's impossible to make everyone aware of how you're feeling.
It's okay.
Thank you for making me cry.
In every word you wrote I saw myself.
I'm glad you were able to share that with me.
I just hope you know that you're not as alone as you might think you are.
It was all very weird timing....and I mean everything... but I guess this shows that we know nothing about what it is to be normal eh?
"...its something ive let slide so long because of my pride that its almost to the point of permanently affecting my life". you and me both boy. you and me both. It'll all be okay. We'll be okay. Everything will be alright. For everyone.
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