It's All For A Reason

Trade Wide-Eyed Browns for Baby Blues,

I've loved everything about you that hurts,
So let me see your moves,
Let me see your moves,

Things aren't the same anymore

I know I'm not supposed to love you
I'm not supposed to love you -G.I.N.A.S.F.S.

I speak fast and I'm not gonna repeat myself, no
So listen carefully to every word I say

When I said that I'd return to you I meant more like a relapse -It's hard to say I do when I don't

What have I gotten into this time around
I know that I had sworn I'd never trust
anyone again but I didn't have to
You had me at hello.
I've never seen a smile that can light the room like yours
It's simply radiant, I feel more with everyday that goes by
I watch the clock to make my timing just right -You had me at hello

That first step that you took was the worst.
Since then you've walked a thousand miles in solace and short remark,
And I still have these memories,
But will never see what we could have been.
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember, cause that's all you can do.
We'll never make another memory,

You said they were,
What happened?
You were a priority,
Was I an option?

So, we'll go our own ways,
And hopefully you'll remember these things I've told you,
Hopefully you'll understand that everything I said is in sincerity.
A broken heart is not what I wanted from this,
But I guess I've learned from it.
But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?
I don't consider this a mistake,
I just wish the story didn't end this way. -A Year From Now

Here we stand again
Another day has passed us
With its lack of change
And all we have is what we share
And all we want is someone else to be there
And if the sun will set tonight
Hold our secrets up to the sky

It's hard to get to understand
When our own lives are in our hands
And don't stop when you've never been closer
Just 'cause you don't know what matters most
The way won't always be so clearly right in front of us -Here We Stand

And you wanna camp out and I wanna fuck around
In the dark
In the dark -Camp Out

what made you hesitate
to tell me with words what you really feel?
i can see it in your eyes you mean all of what you say

only time will tell
time will turn and tell

could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend

can't help but entertain these thoughts
thoughts of us together - A Day Late

Let me tell you how its been these 2 weeks have been a living hell
Overcoming the fact that this would never be
(Dont tell me it was that easy)
To give up on something that you never fought for - Assurance Closure

After all the fights are over, we're just another day older
I've been going on weeks without sleep
And God, I might need another drink before
the night runs out
Before we all wind down
Before the night runs out
Before we all unwind - Operator

We've got each other figured out

So what do we do here? -Love me honestly

Thrilling to know
There is no control
She's got the soul of poet
And the fire of a bullet
She is what she is
Nothing less or unspoken
She don't love you no more
She's in love with a motive, yeah- Love with a motive

But I know in the end this will turn out wrong
See I've been known to fall in love
But sometimes love just is not enough
And my heart will stray
Before too long
So please forgive me when I sing this song- Forgive me

At least this I'll admit
For what I've done, I am not proud
But there's no need to pretend, no need for innocence
I've got to be honest now
My verdict has come in,
It says I'm guilty for my sins this time.
I thought I could escape,
But then I finally felt the weight,
Of my crimes.
It's passion, it's not love,
Infatuation never ends up right.
At least I won't be alone tonight.

'Cuz I don't want to be alone tonight -Confessions

So here's to living life miserable.
And here's to all the lonely stories that I've told.
Maybe drinking wine will validate my sorrow.
Every girl needs a muse and mine could be the bottle. -The Death of Me

How do I end up this way
A constant knot in my gut
Tied with uncertainty and with lust
A classic case I suppose
A haunted girl who can't out run her ghosts
They're in my skin and my bones - Constant knot

And I'm afraid that I have already lost you - In The Water, I Am Beautiful

And I can still remember, you know I can still hear your voice, your voice.
Although your silence, your silence still rings so clear.
And do you think, and do you think I would call
just to hear you breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe?
You always knew, you always knew that just one word would dry up all my tears. -Sam Malone

Give Me Danger

Two in a blackened room

my best friend my girl friend in one bedroom.

I found out cause I was bound to.

I can't believe what you did. I trusted you two.

Now I'm just standing here.

I can't help but hear the mess you're into.

My ears burn. My head can't stop.

I'm turning round, round, round ...

"Ut oh," she said "Is he home early?"

"Who what," he said. "Now what was that?"

"Oh no. You better run away.

Your best friend's back."

"Ut oh," she said, "Is he home early?"

"Who what," he said. "Now what was that?"

"Oh no. You better run away.

Your best friend's back."

It feels so good when we know that our love is wrong

or when we try to go where we don't belong.

Give me danger. Give me danger.

Danger ... Danger ... Give me danger.

It feels so good when we know that our love is wrong

Let's go one last time and then I'm gone.

Give me danger. Give me danger.

Danger ... Danger ... Give me danger.

It feels so good ... We know that it's so...

Just standing here.

I can't help but hear the mess you're into.

In a blackened room

my best friend my girl friend in one bedroom.

My ears burn. My head can't stop.

I'm turning round, round, round ...

I found out cause I was bound to.

I can't believe what you did. I trusted you.

"Ut oh," she said "Is he home early?"

"Who what," he said. "Now what was that?"

"Oh no. You better run away.

Your best friend's back."

"Ut oh," she said, "Is he home early?"

"Who what," he said. "Now what was that?"

"Oh no. You better run away.

Your best friend's back."

It feels so good when we know that our love is wrong.

or when we try to go where we don't belong.

Give me danger. Give me danger.

Danger ... Danger ... Give me danger.

It feels so good when we know that our love is wrong.

Let's go one last time and then I'm gone.

Give me danger. Give me danger.

Danger ... Danger ... Give me danger.

TEAR YOU APART

Got a big plan, his mind's set, maybe it's right
At the right place and right time, maybe tonight
In a whisper or handshake sending a sign
Wanna make out and kiss hard, wait never mind

Late night, in passing, mention it flip to her
Best friend, it's no thing, maybe it slipped
but the slip turns to terror and a crush to like
when she walked in he froze up, leave it to fright

It's cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, knees get weak
escape was just a nod and a casual wave
Obsess about it, heavy for the next two days

It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart

Then he walked up and told her, thinking maybe it'd pass
And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance
Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there
Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare

They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do
Cause theres always repercussions.
But their lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last

Either way he wanted her and this was bad
Wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy
Now a little crush turned into a like
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I wanna fucking tear you apart

...so does that explain everything?!

carly in her sleep just said "some sick part of me takes pleasure in other people's misery"

amen sista.

Decompression 2009

big bob

barbara making big bob happy

get yo dance on

andrew jackass dickberg

best picture ever.

...But what did it all mean?

there's only so much a touch can tell.

I wish I knew what even my touch meant.

But there will be no jumping ahead this time.

There will be no assumptions.

I will never fall in that trap again.

Never EVER will I try that hard with nothing in return.

I'm not the most deserving out there, but I know I at least deserve something.

For all I know, it was nothing. A one time deal. To never speak of or repeat.

That wouldn't be the option I chose...I know what I want... but it's an option i'll respect, because it would probably just make things easier.

But what would anything be if it were easy?

Dashboard Confessional "The Secret's In The Telling"

The signal is subtle
We pass just close enough to touch
No questions, no answers
We know by now to say enough
With only simple words
With only subtle turns
The things we feel alone for one another

There is a secret that we keep
I won't sleep if you won't sleep
Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given
We are compelled to do what we must do
We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden
So I won't sleep if you won't sleep tonight

Our act of defiance
We keep this secret in our blood
No paper or letters
We pass just close enough to touch
We love in secret names
We hide within our veins
The things that keep us bound to one another

There is a secret that we keep
I won't sleep if you won't sleep
Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given
We are compelled to do what we must do
We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden

Until the last resilient hope
Is frozen deep inside my bones
And this broken fate has claimed me
And my memories for its own
Your name is pounding through my veins
Can't you hear how it is sung?
And I can taste you in my mouth
Before the words escape my lungs
And I'll whisper only once...

There is a secret that we keep
I won't sleep if you won't sleep
Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given
We are compelled to do what we have to
We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden'

Cause you will be somebody's girl
And you will keep each other warm
But tonight I am feeling cold

UGH

WHY DO YOU PUT ME IN THESE SITUATIONS!?!?
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO SAY TO YOU?!?!

I regarded the world as such a sad sight until I viewed it in black and white

I didn't realize how much I missed my camera.

I kinda figured that since I went the whole summer without it, that was the reason partially of why I started painting again.

Same art, different medium

Since my camera was in California for so long, I went without photography for a good 3 months.

So I picked up my paintbrush again.

But since I have both again, I guess it's time to combine the 2 :)

are you listening to anything I’ve said?

Motion City Soundtrack- "Invisible Monsters"

It’s hard to believe I cannot exist without you.
As hard as I’ve tried, I cannot confess completely, yeah.
These words were not meant to induce acts of likewise behavior. (behavior)
It’s just part of the curse,
I’m just trying to stay alive.

Woah woah, are you out there?
Woah woah, are you listening at all?
Woah woah, are you out there?
Woah woah, are you listening to anything I’ve said?

It’s hard to admit, my weaknesses can consume me.
I search for the cure in the bottles of varied volumes, yeah.
The joke of it is I express myself without purpose (a purpose for living)
Yet you devour my small bits
Of madness and make-believe.

Woah woah, are you out there?
Woah woah, are you listening at all?
Woah woah, are you out there?
Woah woah, are you listening to anything I’ve said?

If I can pretend, I don’t depend.
I can deny, deny denial.
Yet when push comes to shove and all the above, I decide to live the lie.

An undecided heart makes such a mess

Cycles 1. Let's go
2. The Perfect Mistake
3. Faster Ride <3"You did it right, you did it right for some time. I couldn't give you what you want"
4. Deep South
5. Only You
6. It Still Remains <3
7. 27 Steps<3
8. See Me Now 9. Typical<3
10. Conventional Friend<3
And all this time I tried to fix you
Was just another way to avoid the issue
You're just a ruse
Another guise, another waste of my time"
11. Retrograde<3 "An undecided heart makes such a mess"


I was really excited for this album to come out
The previous cartel album's were completely underrated
"cartel" and "chroma" are simply genious
this one...does not live up to the other ones at all
a few of the songs are good, but as a whole, no. just no.
music dissapoints me yet again.

I got the mic and you got the mosh pit.

oh nostalgic nights.
first old journals
then old xangas
then old photobuckets.
I really never want to forget these websites
which is why I will keep them all here together.

http://abandoned-diary.xanga.com/
http://dorkette-sara.xanga.com/
http://lilbabisara.xanga.com/
http://evil-child-666.xanga.com/
http://heaven-take-me-hom3.xanga.com/
oh the imense amount of inside jokes on here
it's almost as if I was speaking a different language.
strangely I still remember what most of the stuff in their still means

http://s13.photobucket.com/albums/a279/abandoned_sara/
http://s19.photobucket.com/albums/b170/iloveyouuux3/

oh and the best website ever.
the losers website

http://www.geocities.com/we_are_losers_yea/

oh 12 yr old youth.

I still remember the day that they saw meatloaf in my cd collection

and just laughed at me

and felt the need to put it like all over that website that I liked meatloaf

and the keyclub website I had to make like 3 years ago

http://www.geocities.com/gc_keyclub/_mainpage.html

We're All Alone

This is an old journal entry. I had forgotten about this until recent conversation that I brought it up.

My Perfection.
I don't know how killings can be so random. And the way that people are killing, just seems so elementary. What happened to murders of passion, hate, fear & love? Or even the murders that made an impact.

The Black Dahlia... the famous unsolved case, that showed the beautiful are not immortal. Charles Manson killed Sharon Tate, the wife of Roman Polanski. The rich were not superhuman.
The Zodiac Killings in California portrayed the true power of the media. Even the school shooting of Columbine showed that even the young can change the face of history.

The outcomes that I get from these masacres are probably not what people think of when they are mentioned. However, these are the underlying messages.

Also most of the killers that get caught are the ones that kill out of spontaneity. The well thought out and planned are the ones that don't get caught. The unsolved cases also seem to be the most remembered at times, because of the fear that a person was actually capable of taking another life, and not faced with any consequences.

Would I ever kill? Probably not. At least not with any true intentions of killing. But if I were to ever kill, I would want it to be remembered. My efforts would not be in vain of the intensity of the actions.

The first matter would be... who to kill? I don't think I could do a random kill. I would know nothing of their lives or how important their lives impacts others. Like if I were to kill a loving parent, a devoted teacher, etc. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't kill a person with a good heart, but if I don't know them personally, there is no way to determine the sinners and the blessed.

But at the same time, if I were to kill those who were a bit defiled, how would I know if they were willing to change? So by this philosophy, I wouldn't be able to kill anyone.

But what if I killed someone, for the other person's benifit? What if the murder made them live forever in the media and history? I would only want neverending fame for someone I held close to me. So I would kill a person I love.

But what kind of love? A friend? Family? Lover?
A loved friend I could never kill
Family is not even a question
A lover though, I would kill.

Why a lover though? I guess for my own pride. I myself would be known as the brokenhearted girlfriend/wife of so-and-so who was murdered in a brutally brilliant way.
And for my lover's pride. They would be known forever. The murder would be the reason they would be talked about for centuries to come. The murder itself would be given a clever dark name. For the time shortly after the murder, they would be a famous. Front covers. Headlines. News stories. Photos. And because of the murder (it'll become more apparent later why), their name would have a semi-perminant place in the headlines, but a perminant place in human history.

The murder itself would be painless. Pain is not what this is about. I don't believe in torture or hurting someone else. Think of it more as a surgical procedure then a murder. It would be quiet, clean and precise.

Inspiration for what I would do with the body came from a song actually. Ex Lover's Lovers by Voltaire

"What if I were to cut you up and mail each partto a different town?
It would take the most
brilliant private eye the rest of his life
just to put you together.
a piece in each mailbox all over the planet
from Moscow to Tokyo to Guadalajara."

Mailing would be too risky. The postal service would not be a safe way to go.
Instead I would embalm the body pieces, to buy time. No need to rush.
I would travel the world, but only taking a few pieces at a time with me, returning home every now and then to retrieve more pieces. I would take each piece in a jar, and bury the jars in the most beautiful places of the world. I'd bury each piece with a song that was dear to us. The lyrics would speak of the love we have. I wouldn't mark the burial spots, but keep very detailed records of where the jars are.

It would take my lifetime to complete this. After I die, I would want my records to be found, and shared with the world.

I would want to show the world that love is not what it's made out to be. It's more than just roses, chocolates, movies, dinners, sex. It's about wanting the world for the other person. Wanting to show the world your love and showing your love the world. Not keeping anything a secret. Secrets don't belong in love. I would hope that my message would be taken for more than just a killing. Sometimes it's the extreme that really opens peoples eyes.
I would never be able to do this nor would I want to.
I just think it would be able to have impact and make people catechize what prenotions that they have about love, and realize why they love.

Change Will Come

19 years old.
Why does that sound so young?
I feel older, but once I realize i'm only 19,
I realize I'm just so young
I'm probably not as mature as I think I am
I'm not as experienced as I want to believe I am.
My birthday weekend was a lot of fun. Party on friday Adventures on Saturday and Sunday

Fiesta: all went well pretty much. Drinking, dancing, laughter. All with people I love. There was drama of course. Isn't there always?

Saturday: Went to battery park, and played the identity game and charades while drinking bicardi and PBR.

Sunday: Met this guy chris on the M train. 25 yr old actor from LA. We invited him to come along with us to the jazz fest. After, we all went to Daniel's apartment on the UWS where we drank steel reserve and played the identity game. Daniel is an amazing musician. He can hear a song, and play it on the piano right away. I'm purely jealous of talent like that. I feel bad though, he could be good for jackie, but he's leaving for a 5 month tour in november. I love meeting new people. Me and Barbara showed chris that nyc can be a welcoming place, and he said he was glad to have met such an awesome group of friends and that he hopes to hang soon.



I cant explain a thing.
No I want everything.
To change and stay the same,
the sun doesn't care about anyone
or anything.
Now come together
come apart, only get lonely
when you read the charts

And oh baby
when they made me, they broke the mold
Girls used to follow me around
Then I got cold

Now fly your cameras in the air
and wave 'em like you just don't care

I will never believe in anything again.
I will never believe in anything again.
Well, change will come,
Oh change will come.
I will never believe in anything again.

We will never believe again
kickdrum beating in my chest again
we will never believe again
Preach your lecture to a microphone stand (off)

Oh im a mascot for what you've become
and I love the mayhem more than the love.

And oh baby
when they made me, they broke the mold
Girls used to follow me around
then i got cold.

Now fly your cameras in the air
and wave 'em like you just don't care

I will never believe in anything again.
I will never believe in anything again.
Well, change will come,
Oh change will come.
I will never believe in anything again.

We will never believe again
kickdrum beating in my chest again
we will never believe again
Preach your lecture to a microphone stand (off)

Oh fly your cameras in the air,
and wave 'em cause i just don't care
fly your cameras in the air,
and wave 'em cause i just don't care

I will never believe in anything again.
I will never believe in anything again.
Oh well, change will come,
Oh change will come.
I will never believe in anything again.
I will never believe in anything again.
Ohohoh, change will come,
Oh change will come.
I will never believe in anything again.

We will never believe again
kickdrum beating in my chest again
we will never believe again
Preach your lecture to a microphone stand (off)
We will never believe again
get drunk baby we just depend on
we will never believe again
Preach your lecture to a microphone stand (off)

We will never believe again.

And if I fail well then I failed, but at least I gave you something.

So here I am.

On the eve of my birthday party.

With a fresh pack of parliaments, 711 iced coffee, paint and a canvas

I want her to love this. She doesn't know what she means to me.

I want to put so much into making her smile.

That's all I want.

I have only good expectations for our birthday party.

I want to enjoy it

But I know there's only so much that can make my mind forget.

I know the whole time what i'll be thinking

I'm not even sad or upset anymore.

It's more of an "impending doom" feeling.

Okay that's a little extreme.

It's upsetting even though I know I will move on.

I know what you're going to tell me.

You should have told me a long time ago.

Or at least just not make all of this go on for so long.

I gave you the option of letting this go so many times, but you were the one saying to keep going.

I guess I should've been the stronger one and stopped it all.

Cartel+ThisProvidence October 23? Yes please.

Cartel- If I fail

Time to go, "This is goodbye"
She said "Does it ever get easier to live like this"
And kiss the cheek
For I can't kiss you anymore
And I, I would honestly love you now
But I would lovingly let you down

Oh I have the hardest time resisting you
And oh if you
If you feel the same way then how can we be friends
He's right you know
We can't go on like this
And oh I try to give you everything
And if I fail well then I failed
But at least I gave you something

I could put my trust in giving up the heart
It makes the difference
And how can you afford to settle down
When I, I would promise to love you now
But I would lovingly let you down

Oh I have the hardest time resisting you
And oh if you
If you feel the same way then how can we be friends
He's right you know, we can't go on like this
And oh I try to give you everything
And if I fail well then I failed
But at least I gave you something

(It's better than silence)
(Give me one good reason)

It's better than silence (you know)
Give me one good reason (you know)
To leave this in silence (you know)
No, you don't have a good reason (you know)

If you feel the same way then how can we be friends
He's right you know, we can't go on like this
And oh I try to give you everything
And if I fail well then I failed
But at least I gave you something

It's better than silence
It's better than silence

and this is where we end.

just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

but it's just for the better.

I can't continue like this.

It's as if you're not even there when we're together.

I don't know what I deserve, because i'm not very deserving.

But I know I deserve to be involved with someone who might show me what I try to show them.

That's all I ask.

I tried so hard.

Probably even too hard.

I know I can't change you, and maybe I tried to without even knowing it.

Amazing birthday, huh?

Stop fearing love.

There are miles

and there is love

the miles are far

just as the lovers are.

Shake the miles

and shake the love

love, there's no point in waiting

when the wait is measured in miles.

There is you

and there is me

you are strange

and i'm the same

But i'm not strange

And you're not strange

We're strangely normal

but it's hard to see

They don't understand

And they don't see

what I see in you

why you would want me

I measure in miles

you measure in love

When the miles become zero

and when you learn to love

I'll stop measuring the love in miles

And you'll stop fearing love.

Oh I was a fool, but so were you.

so here I am at almost 7 in the morning.

unable to sleep

as usual.

I wish I could find what keeps me awake.

and stop it.

so much has happened, I don't even know where to begin.

but I know where it ends.

me being a bad person again.

that's always where it ends.

even if I don't try.

and even when I try to fix it, it still ends that way.

I hurt so many people with everything I do.

My biggest secret recently got out.

It was the worst thing I've ever done.

I can never be forgiven for it.

But at this point in time, I really don't care if I'm ever forgiven.

Others handled it like fucking children.

I feel like a fool now for even caring about it.

At first I wanted to salvage what I destroyed.

But at look back at recent history and I wonder if there's even anything left to salvage?

...or if it's even worth it?

I know they'll think that these are just cowardly actions of mine, but their's were equally cowardly.

I was a fool for thinking that my life was ruined because of it.

Honestly, not much has changed.

I look at all the terrible things that have happened,

and then I look at all the great things that have happened.

and the latter just completely outshines the former.

A few months ago, I wouldn't have thought I'd be in this position.

Walking on eggshells with every action I take.

But at the same time, I feel like I can just crush the eggshells without a care if they make a sound.

Right now, tracy isabel mitchell and hendryx are all sound asleep in the bedroom

while I'm writing away on hendryx's laptop.

Tracy and Isabel just recently started dating, and what a odd couple they seem to be

especially that tracy only about a month ago did not like isabel at all.

But when you tear down both their walls, it's like looking at 2 diaries.

And they're both just filled with stories of heartbreak, pain, insecurity, but packed with love.

It's gonna be hard for them. They both have a lot on their plates. Their plates are filled like as if an obese person were to go to an all-you-can-eat buffet.

But this will just test them. I have faith in both of them, that they can make whatever they want happen.

I'm gonna go attempt to sleep again.

Night/Morning.

If you take me home tonight I know that we will kiss and one of us will fall in love and it will be a mess

but if you want to take that chance then please let me know.

There's actually not much to write about. But I can't sleep, therefore I write.

I feel like I've been living through other people's problems. I care more

about what's going on in their lives than my own. Is it because

I think my own life is boring?

Or are their lives that genuinely more interesting? I hope to believe 

it's just that I care about others, and that they can all be helped.

Things I'm looking forward to:

Going to the beach in about 7 hours.

Freddy's Party/Richard's bday on friday

Warped tour 7/17 with hendryx, rose and cassy

I haven't been to warped tour in I think 2 years now, and I kinda 

miss it. I've had so many great memories there. However, this year's 

gonna be a bit different

1-we're going to camden,nj instead of long island

2-im going without my sister

3-i'm driving with friends instead of being dropped off by oscar's aunt

4-we're leaving the day before to spend the night in philidelphia

5-there aren't that many bands im excited to see, so it's not like the 

other years where i'm rushing around to see the numerous

amounts of bands I love

bottom line though is...

I cant wait.

I'm thinking of witty things to say

And I get ash on my keyboard

The smoke lingers on my shoulders

The smoke makes my eye need a rub

But there's not much to say

It's all been sung in the songs

The songs we sing in your car

The songs that explain my heart

The songs aren't random

I pick each one carefully

They all say the words that I'm scared

Will scare you away

I don't want to say anything cliche

Like you are the words to my songs

or that you are the ocean to my waves

It's all been said

I'm gonna listen to every song I own

Hoping to find one that'll say what I feel

But they all seem wrong

I can't find the perfect song

So i'll attempt to write for you

Even though I won't be happy with it

It'll still feel incomplete

I'll still feel empty

I don't want to scare you with love songs

Because I'm not in love

And I know you aren't either

At least not with me

time goes by faster and faster

I feel a bit overwhelmed. There's so much to write and there's only so much that my fingers can type. 

My father left for poland about 2 weeks ago and he left the apartment to me and tracy. We hosted a couple parties. They were fun. 

Lots of drinking and good times.

Lots of hanging out with good friends.

Filipino Parade then coney island afterwards.

Hookah bars and dancing.

Hester's death.

Drunken text messages confessing to crushes.

Couples breaking up.

Friends hooking up and then never speaking again afterwards.

Crying and emotions.

Realizations and heartbreaks.

I don't know what I would do without some people. My old friends who have been there through everything. My new friends who are there for me now. My roommate who couldnt be more awesome then she already is.

I've gone through self revelations. I'm changing the one thing I hate about myself. And it's not that I hate it really. It just causes me and others pain that could be avoided. And it's ironic when I decide to change this, others revert back to it. The irony is even greater that one person is the person that I'm interested in. 

I'm not going to let it get to me though. I plan to stay indifferent. The more I stay indifferent, the less i'll get hurt in the end. And I know I will be hurt either way, because of what has been said to me and to others already. But I've gotten through worse already, and I can definitely get through this.

Amazing Rain

-The Basement (aka tracy and sara :P )

E-----3-------3-------0-------0-------3p0-----3p0-----0-------0----

B---1---1---1---1---1---1---1---1---1-------1-------1---1---1---1-

G-0-------0-------0-------0-------0-------0-------0-------0-------0

D                  G

Rainy days keep all away.

D C

And while all's away, we'll come out to play.

G                                     D

Scream our lungs dry and take our time.

A C

We'll get kicked out for breaking all the rules.

D C

And since we act like kids, we'll get treated like kids at school.

D G

We'll drive to the beaches.

D C

The sand too cold to bear.

   A C

So let's sit on the dock and drink ourselves warm.

D                               Am               C

But i'll take my chances with the cold.

Grit my teeth and bear my soul.

Walk away and turn my back to the rest.

Sit down and pull my knees to my chest.

Stare out at the dark  empty sea.

But really I can see all that's around me.

To my left and to my right 

I see fog covering the piers and boardwalks

Their light tries to break through the fog

Creating a ghost world hovering in the smog.

My eyes are fixed on the sand.

I ache to see your shadow coming to haunt me.

Every change of light makes my heart race

But you didn't walk over to the ocean

You didn't come over to me.

You stayed with all of our friends

I guess that bottle was better company.

We make our way back to our blinding city lights

The whole car's asleep

Besides us singing with out hearts

Em

And then I looked at you.

D

To read your eyes.

Em

You took them off the road

D

But for just one second

C

And in that second you told me 

      Bm

But I didn't know what you said

   Em

Everything we had or was nothing at all?

   D

And on that rainy day.

G

While all's away.

D

We went out to play.

E-----3-------3-------0-------0-------3p0-----3p0-----0-------0----

B---1---1---1---1---1---1---1---1---1-------1-------1---1---1---1-

G-0-------0-------0-------0-------0-------0-------0-------0-------0

I keep on talking trash, but I never say anything

And the talking leads to touching
And the touching leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news, baby, I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

I'm a pretty bad person, oh yes I am. And it just never seems to change. Sometimes it's not my fault, but most of the time it is. I've known this for years, but I just don't seem to want to change. I tell myself to take control, to do what's right because that's what I should be doing. But I can't even listen to myself.

Geology Final Topics

Cenozoic - Periods and Epochs 

Evolution of the Whales (first carnivorous land animals)

Hoofed herbivores called ungulates

Primates appeared/evolved 40 m.y. ago

Eocene climate changes- global warming in early eocene followed by 3 episodes of global cooling

Cenozoic=age of mammals

Neogene=age of herbs

Evolution of snakes 

Messinian salinity crisis that caused the sea level to be lower

3.2 m.y. ago modern ice age

Wisconsin - maximum advance of the ice-recent glacial maximum

development of the ice ages

know the human evolution

homo=larger brain size, >600 cubic centimeters

ausholopitecus->homohabitus->homoerectus(monkey man/java man/inthecanthropus)

         homo hemdemous     homo sapiens

which 2species have become extinct in the recent erpoch

wooping crane and bald eagle

passenger piegeon and dodo

dodo and bisen

alligator and rinosaurous

which 2 prehistoric mammals ressemble the elephant

mastodon and brontotherium

which 2 periods are in the cenozoic

the most dramatic evolutionary development in neogene ocean was the expansion of

whales

invertabreate

aquatic 

my skin is white as parchment, drier than a downtown office building

my skin is inked with words

words with no meanings

and meanings that could never be fathomed

my skin is scarred with spots

of years that passed

and of years forgotten

my skinned is burned

from all the mistakes i've made

and from mistakes I wanted

my skin is colored

born with the colors

that make me a felon

I was listening to andrew bird's song "skin is"

and I realized how much I love my skin

even with every flaw, freckle, scar, birthmark.

People get tattoo's to hide their skin.

I get mine to enhance it.

I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo

Whenever I'm in the library at school, I do pay attention to who sits near me. When I see a person take out a mac of some sort, I automatically open my itunes to see if I they share their itunes. I either want to know what the person's name is, or (more importantly) what kind of music they listen to. I like judging people by the music they listen to. It's a fun game. 

The guy next to me right now listens to pretty crappy stuff according to his itunes. It's mostly a bunch of rap and pop. Nothing impressive or amazing.

I would probably get judged pretty hard for the music that I listen to. I listen to a bunch of stuff that I know isn't that good, but I'm a sucker for catchy stuff (and a sucker for anything acoustic). 

My surface is so tough, I don't think the blade will dig in

I got my arm tattoo touched up today.

It is now complete. All the colours are perfect.

I hate when plans fall through...