If I act weird sometimes

it's not because of you

the things in my head make me act that way

i'm sorry if I seem quiet

or angry or upset

I just need some time to empty out these thoughts

and go through my compulsions

I'll bite my lip

and scratch my arms

pick at my neck

and rub my eyes

sometimes its worse than others

I can easily push through once in a while

it's not that bad

just a little tiring

but I can do it

others though, I can't even move

it takes all my energy just to not start breaking down

because I would never want you to see me like that

I don't want anyone to see me that vulnerable.

All I can do is lay there.

All I can do is close my eyes

and pray it stops soon.

this weekend I had a bad one

I just said I had a headache

which wasn't a total lie

but really, there was more than just an ache in my head

I have no idea what triggered it

I was fine for a while

but it just gradually got worse and worse throughout the day

to the point where I couldn't fight it anymore.

certain things helped

some things just made it worse

seeing you definitely didn't help

you are just a reminder now of how I only know how to hurt people

and then seeing him made me realize how

I'm just never good enough

being by water usually helps

but when we went

it reminded me of this place california

where I used to go fishing

with my grandfather

I really wanted to just walk away

from everyone

and everthing

but I knew I couldn't

I would either have been followed

or have been considered rude

I really just want this all to stop

i'm ready to get better

I really am

I promise