Drinking Change For Contentment?

Massive project with rose.

Story/Play/Musical based on our lives

accompanied by songs by death cab for cutie.

Based on all true events.

i'm not really sure of who ACTUALLY reads this.

so all names have been changed to colours for protection.

some secrets are meant to stay secrets.



Got a good amount of the songs done.

Dialogue to come shortly.



The New Year

Purple:
So this is the new year

And I don't feel any different

The clanking of crystal

Explosions off in the distance (In the distance)



Pink:

So this is the new year

And I have no resolutions

For self-assigned penance

For problems with easy solutions



Purple:

So everybody put your best suit or dress on

Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once

Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn

As thirty dialogues bleed into one



Red:

I wish the world was flat like the old days

Then I could travel just by folding a map

No more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways

There'd be no distance that can hold us back

There'd be no distance that could hold us back

There'd be no distance that could hold us back



Purple:

So this is the new year

Pink:

So this is the new year

Red:

So this is the new year

Red,Pink & Purple

So this is the new year



Tiny Vessels


Pink talking to Black
This is the moment that you know

That you told her that you loved her, but you don't

You touch her skin and then you think

That she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me

Yeah, she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me


Red talking to Purple

I spent two weeks in Silver Lake

The California sun cascading down my face

There was a girl with light brown streaks

And she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me

Yeah, she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me


Black talking to pink

I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking

As we moved together in the dark

And all the friends that I was telling

And all the playful misspellings

And every bite I gave you left a mark


Red & Black

As tiny vessels oozed into your neck

And formed the bruises

That you said you didn't want to fade

But they did and so did I that day


Purple:

All I see are dark gray clouds

In the distance, moving closer with every hour

So when you'd ask, "Is something wrong?"

I'd think, "You're damn right there is But we can't talk about it now

No, we can't talk about it now"


Red

So one last touch and then you'll go
Purple

And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
Pink

But it was vile, and it was cheap
Black

And you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me
Red

Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me
Black and Red

Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me



Lack Of Colour



Purple About Black
And when I see you

I really see you upside down

But my brain knows better

It picks you up and turns you around

Turns you aroundTurns you around


Red About Yellow

If you feel discouraged

When there's a lack of color here

Please don't worry lover

It's really bursting at the seams

Absorbing everything

The spectrum's A to Z


Red and Pink

This is fact, not fiction

For the first time in years

All the girls in every girlie magazine

Can't make me feel any less alone

I'm reaching for the phone


Pink and Red

To call at 7:03

And on your machine, I slur a plea

For you to come home

But I know it's too late

I should have given you a reason to stay

Given you a reason to stay

Given you a reason to stay

Given you a reason to stay


Pink

This is fact, not fiction

For the first time in years...



Passenger Seat



Pink And Purple
I roll the window down

And then begin to breathe in

The darkest country road

And the strong scent of evergreen

From the passenger seat as you are driving me home


Then looking upwards

I strain my eyes

And try to tell the difference

Between shooting stars and satellites

From the passenger seat as you are driving me home



"Do they collide?"

I ask and you smile

With my feet on the dash

The world doesn't matter


Pink

When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride

Purple
When you need directions then I'll be the guide

Pink and Purple
For all time

For all time


A Movie Script Ending

Blue
Whenever I come back

The air on Railroad is making the same sounds

And the shop fronts on Holly are dirty words(Asterisks in for the vowels)

We peered through the windows

New bottoms on barstools

But the people remain the same

With prices inflating, inflating


Black about blue

As if saved from the gallows

There's a bellow of buzzers

And the people stop working

And they're all so excited, excited


Black about blue

Passing through unconscious states

When I awoke I was on the highway

Highway, highway, highway


Black about blue

With your hand on my shoulders

A meaningless movement

A movie script ending

And the patrons are leaving, leaving


Black about blue

Passing through unconscious states

When I awoke I was on the highway

Highway, highway, highway

Highway, highway, highway, highway


Black about blue

Now we all know the words were true

In the sappiest songs, yes, yes

I'll put them to bed, but they won't sleep

They're just shuffling the sheets

They toss and turn (You can't begin to get it back)


Black about blue

Passing through unconscious states

When I awoke I was on

The onset of a later stage

The headlights are beacons on the highway

Highway, highway, highway

Highway, highway, highway, highway



Crooked Teeth

Pink
It was 100 degrees as we sat beneath a willow tree

Whose tears didn't care, they just hung in the air

And refused to fall, to fall

I knew I'd made a horrible call

And now the state line felt like the Berlin wall

And there was no doubt about which side I was on


Pink

Because I built you a home in my heart

With rotten wood that decayed from the start


Purple

Because you can't find nothing at all

If there was nothing there all along

No, you can't find nothing at all

If there was nothing there all along


Purple

I braved treacherous streets

And kids strung out on homemade speed

And we shared a bed in which I could not sleep

At all, woo hoo, woo hoo oo oo hoo

At night, the sun in retreat

Made the skyline look like crooked teeth

In the mouth of a man who was devouring us both

You're so cute when you're slurring your speech

But they're closing the bar and they want us to leave


Black

And you can't find nothing at all

If there was nothing there all along

No, you can't find nothing at all

If there was nothing there all along

I'm a war of head versus heart

And it's always this way

My head is weak, my heart always speaks

Before I know what it will say


Orange

Because you can't find nothing at all

If there was nothing there all along

No, you can't find nothing at all

If there was nothing there all along

There were churches, theme parks and malls

There was nothing there all along



Your Heart Is An Empty Room

Purple to Pink
Burn it down

Until the embers smoke on the ground

And start new when your heart is an empty room

With walls of the deepest blue


Purple to Pink

Home's face, how it ages when you're away

The spring blooms

Then you find the love that's true

But you don't know what now to do

Because the chase is all you know

And he stopped running months ago


Purple to Pink

And all you see

Is where else you could be

When you're at home

And out on the street

Are so many possibilities

To not be alone


Red to yellow

Flames and smoke

Climbed out of every window

And disappeared

With everything that you held dear

But you shed not a single tear

For the things that you didn't need

Because you knew you were finally free


Red to yellow

And all you see

Is where else you could be

When you're at home

And out on the street

Are so many possibilities

To not be alone


Red to yellow

And all you see

Is where else you could be

When you're at home

And out on the street

Are so many possibilities

To not be alone


Pink and yellow

And there on the street

Are so many possibilities

To not be alone


What Sarah Said

Red
And it came to me then

That every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time

As I stared at my shoes in the ICU

That reeked of piss and 409

And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself

That I'd already taken too much today

As each descending peak on the LCD

Took you a little farther away from me

Away from me


Pink

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines

In a place where we only say goodbye

It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend

On a faulty camera in our minds

But I knew that you were a truth

I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all

And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground

As the TV entertained itself


Red And Pink

Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room

Just nervous paces bracing for bad news

Then the nurse comes around and everyone lifts their head

But I'm thinking of what Sarah said

That love is watching someone die


Black
So who's going to watch you die
Blue
So who's going to watch you die
Green
So who's going to watch you die
Orange
So who's going to watch you die
Yellow
So who's going to watch you die
Pink
So who's going to watch you die
Red
So who's going to watch you die

I know Why I'm Fat

This has to be done
Very soon.
Like Now.
Rose- "not now!"
but I say very soon.
when we are not filled to the brim with shrimp tempura and yamyam fries.

I'm Weird because I hate goodbyes

And here we go again.
Same story.
Different time.
It always happens like this.
If I try to fix it, I could possibly just ruin it all.
I wish I could easily forget everything.
I wish I could easily not think about anything.
Truth is my mind never stops.
One thing to another.
One problem to the next.
It never stops.
I can't concentrate.
I can't sleep.
I can't even be happy.

I wish I knew what would fix all of this.
Some things I know would help.
But i'm just so hesitant to ask for help.
I have the hardest time admitting something is wrong.
Even though I know there is.
The only things that makes it okay are when I get lost in thought.
I get so lost that I don't even remember what I'm thinking.
But then I make some form of connection to what's troubling me.
It's a horrible cycle that I just can't seem to stop.

I would love to know what I do wrong.
Because all I do is try to make myself and others happy.
But maybe what I think makes others happy really just pushes them away.
I have no way of knowing this though.
No one says what they feel
No one says what they think.
Am I the only person that actually enjoys talking about emotions?
It feels so amazing to just be able to tell a person how you feel or how you feel about them
Or to just be able to talk about a situation youre in.
I love having everything in the open.
Communication is so important to me sometimes.
Even though I know I'm not always going to hear things I want to hear.
I hear the truth.
I hear honesty
I hear your thoughts
Your emotions.
Your fears.
Your issues.
I want to know.
I want to know it all.
I want to be able to help.
I want to know where I stand.
Where I am in your life.
What I am to you.
What you love about me.
What you hate about me.
Alexisonfire reference time.
Sometimes love isn't about
how much someone suits you
But how much you're willing to change to suit them.
But this only works when you actually KNOW what to change
Or what to do.

Barbara just texted me saying "I like to make myself believe...that planet earth turns slowly"
I responded saying "I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes"
Which is very true.
I do really hate goodbyes.
Does that make me weird?
I think everyone hates goodbyes.
There's not reason a person would love to say goodbye (unless it's to a person that they truely do not care for)
But in general, goodbye is never a word that is fun to say.

Lab is over.
So my ranting shall have to wait to continue til later.
Time to call rose now and talk about our possible Death Cab For Cutie Musical.

sainthood

ARROW

would you take a straight and narrow

critical look at me

would you tell me

tough love style put judicial weight on me

if youre thinking anything

if youre thinking endlessly

if youre thinking anything

if youre thinking

I feel the breeze

feel feathers of an arrow

out in my yard

feathers of an arrow

I take my aim

you feel me coming close

I take my aim so you feel me coming close

I feel the breeze

feel feathers of an arrow

out in my yard

feathers of an arrow

I take my aim

you feel me coming close

I take my aim so you feel me coming close

would you take a calm and tender terminal kind of care

what you touch me cling and wadge an intimate fight for me

if youre thinking anything

if youre thinking endlessly

if youre thinking anything

if youre thinking

I feel the breeze

feel feathers of an arrow

out in my yard

feathers of an arrow

I take my aim

you feel me coming close

I take my aim so you feel me coming close

I feel the breeze

feel feathers of an arrow

out in my yard

feathers of an arrow

I take my aim

you feel me coming close

I take my aim so you feel me coming close

I feel the breeze

feel feathers of an arrow

out in my yard

feathers of an arrow

I take my aim

you feel me coming close

I take my aim so you feel me coming close

HELL

No, I'm not ready for a big bad step in their direction
No, I'm not ready for downtown trash and void collection
Four blocks, run and hide
Don't walk alone at night
Cityscapes, cities change before they die
Four blocks, I should mention in a song
If I wanted, get along and change you
Who doesn't wanna change this?

I know you feel it too
These words get overused
When we get up and over it and over them
Up and over it and over them
I know you feel it too
It all seems so untrue
When you get up and over it and over them
Oh oh, oh no, oh oh, oh no

No, we're not ready for fair distribution
Just a terminal solution for
No, we're not ready for hell
Hell no, for hell, hell no
Four days wide awake,
Why slide along and say
Girls afraid, girl will change, just move away
Four days that I mention in a song
Move along, get ahead, get a hand and bring her with you

I know you feel it too
These words get overused
When we get up and over it and over them
Up and over it and over them
I know you feel it too
It all seems so untrue
When you get up and over it and over them
Oh oh, oh no, oh oh, oh no

Four ways to remove all the bad that we do
From the heart and the soul of the city, sad and cold
Four ways to collect what we say and what we save
To discard and discover a brand new way

I know you feel it too
These words get overused
When we get up and over it and over them
Up and over it and over them
I know you feel it too
It all seems so untrue
When you get up and over it and over them
Up and over it and over them

I know you feel it too
These words get overused
When we get up and over it and over them
Up and over it and over them
I know you feel it too
It all seems so untrue
When you get up and over it and over them
Oh oh, oh no, oh oh, oh no
Oh oh, oh no, oh oh, oh no

It's All For A Reason

Trade Wide-Eyed Browns for Baby Blues,

I've loved everything about you that hurts,
So let me see your moves,
Let me see your moves,

Things aren't the same anymore

I know I'm not supposed to love you
I'm not supposed to love you -G.I.N.A.S.F.S.

I speak fast and I'm not gonna repeat myself, no
So listen carefully to every word I say

When I said that I'd return to you I meant more like a relapse -It's hard to say I do when I don't

What have I gotten into this time around
I know that I had sworn I'd never trust
anyone again but I didn't have to
You had me at hello.
I've never seen a smile that can light the room like yours
It's simply radiant, I feel more with everyday that goes by
I watch the clock to make my timing just right -You had me at hello

That first step that you took was the worst.
Since then you've walked a thousand miles in solace and short remark,
And I still have these memories,
But will never see what we could have been.
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember, cause that's all you can do.
We'll never make another memory,

You said they were,
What happened?
You were a priority,
Was I an option?

So, we'll go our own ways,
And hopefully you'll remember these things I've told you,
Hopefully you'll understand that everything I said is in sincerity.
A broken heart is not what I wanted from this,
But I guess I've learned from it.
But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?
I don't consider this a mistake,
I just wish the story didn't end this way. -A Year From Now

Here we stand again
Another day has passed us
With its lack of change
And all we have is what we share
And all we want is someone else to be there
And if the sun will set tonight
Hold our secrets up to the sky

It's hard to get to understand
When our own lives are in our hands
And don't stop when you've never been closer
Just 'cause you don't know what matters most
The way won't always be so clearly right in front of us -Here We Stand

And you wanna camp out and I wanna fuck around
In the dark
In the dark -Camp Out

what made you hesitate
to tell me with words what you really feel?
i can see it in your eyes you mean all of what you say

only time will tell
time will turn and tell

could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend

can't help but entertain these thoughts
thoughts of us together - A Day Late

Let me tell you how its been these 2 weeks have been a living hell
Overcoming the fact that this would never be
(Dont tell me it was that easy)
To give up on something that you never fought for - Assurance Closure

After all the fights are over, we're just another day older
I've been going on weeks without sleep
And God, I might need another drink before
the night runs out
Before we all wind down
Before the night runs out
Before we all unwind - Operator

We've got each other figured out

So what do we do here? -Love me honestly

Thrilling to know
There is no control
She's got the soul of poet
And the fire of a bullet
She is what she is
Nothing less or unspoken
She don't love you no more
She's in love with a motive, yeah- Love with a motive

But I know in the end this will turn out wrong
See I've been known to fall in love
But sometimes love just is not enough
And my heart will stray
Before too long
So please forgive me when I sing this song- Forgive me

At least this I'll admit
For what I've done, I am not proud
But there's no need to pretend, no need for innocence
I've got to be honest now
My verdict has come in,
It says I'm guilty for my sins this time.
I thought I could escape,
But then I finally felt the weight,
Of my crimes.
It's passion, it's not love,
Infatuation never ends up right.
At least I won't be alone tonight.

'Cuz I don't want to be alone tonight -Confessions

So here's to living life miserable.
And here's to all the lonely stories that I've told.
Maybe drinking wine will validate my sorrow.
Every girl needs a muse and mine could be the bottle. -The Death of Me

How do I end up this way
A constant knot in my gut
Tied with uncertainty and with lust
A classic case I suppose
A haunted girl who can't out run her ghosts
They're in my skin and my bones - Constant knot

And I'm afraid that I have already lost you - In The Water, I Am Beautiful

And I can still remember, you know I can still hear your voice, your voice.
Although your silence, your silence still rings so clear.
And do you think, and do you think I would call
just to hear you breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe?
You always knew, you always knew that just one word would dry up all my tears. -Sam Malone

Give Me Danger

Two in a blackened room

my best friend my girl friend in one bedroom.

I found out cause I was bound to.

I can't believe what you did. I trusted you two.

Now I'm just standing here.

I can't help but hear the mess you're into.

My ears burn. My head can't stop.

I'm turning round, round, round ...

"Ut oh," she said "Is he home early?"

"Who what," he said. "Now what was that?"

"Oh no. You better run away.

Your best friend's back."

"Ut oh," she said, "Is he home early?"

"Who what," he said. "Now what was that?"

"Oh no. You better run away.

Your best friend's back."

It feels so good when we know that our love is wrong

or when we try to go where we don't belong.

Give me danger. Give me danger.

Danger ... Danger ... Give me danger.

It feels so good when we know that our love is wrong

Let's go one last time and then I'm gone.

Give me danger. Give me danger.

Danger ... Danger ... Give me danger.

It feels so good ... We know that it's so...

Just standing here.

I can't help but hear the mess you're into.

In a blackened room

my best friend my girl friend in one bedroom.

My ears burn. My head can't stop.

I'm turning round, round, round ...

I found out cause I was bound to.

I can't believe what you did. I trusted you.

"Ut oh," she said "Is he home early?"

"Who what," he said. "Now what was that?"

"Oh no. You better run away.

Your best friend's back."

"Ut oh," she said, "Is he home early?"

"Who what," he said. "Now what was that?"

"Oh no. You better run away.

Your best friend's back."

It feels so good when we know that our love is wrong.

or when we try to go where we don't belong.

Give me danger. Give me danger.

Danger ... Danger ... Give me danger.

It feels so good when we know that our love is wrong.

Let's go one last time and then I'm gone.

Give me danger. Give me danger.

Danger ... Danger ... Give me danger.

TEAR YOU APART

Got a big plan, his mind's set, maybe it's right
At the right place and right time, maybe tonight
In a whisper or handshake sending a sign
Wanna make out and kiss hard, wait never mind

Late night, in passing, mention it flip to her
Best friend, it's no thing, maybe it slipped
but the slip turns to terror and a crush to like
when she walked in he froze up, leave it to fright

It's cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, knees get weak
escape was just a nod and a casual wave
Obsess about it, heavy for the next two days

It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart

Then he walked up and told her, thinking maybe it'd pass
And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance
Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there
Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare

They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do
Cause theres always repercussions.
But their lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last

Either way he wanted her and this was bad
Wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy
Now a little crush turned into a like
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I wanna fucking tear you apart

...so does that explain everything?!

carly in her sleep just said "some sick part of me takes pleasure in other people's misery"

amen sista.

Decompression 2009

big bob

barbara making big bob happy

get yo dance on

andrew jackass dickberg

best picture ever.

...But what did it all mean?

there's only so much a touch can tell.

I wish I knew what even my touch meant.

But there will be no jumping ahead this time.

There will be no assumptions.

I will never fall in that trap again.

Never EVER will I try that hard with nothing in return.

I'm not the most deserving out there, but I know I at least deserve something.

For all I know, it was nothing. A one time deal. To never speak of or repeat.

That wouldn't be the option I chose...I know what I want... but it's an option i'll respect, because it would probably just make things easier.

But what would anything be if it were easy?

Dashboard Confessional "The Secret's In The Telling"

The signal is subtle
We pass just close enough to touch
No questions, no answers
We know by now to say enough
With only simple words
With only subtle turns
The things we feel alone for one another

There is a secret that we keep
I won't sleep if you won't sleep
Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given
We are compelled to do what we must do
We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden
So I won't sleep if you won't sleep tonight

Our act of defiance
We keep this secret in our blood
No paper or letters
We pass just close enough to touch
We love in secret names
We hide within our veins
The things that keep us bound to one another

There is a secret that we keep
I won't sleep if you won't sleep
Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given
We are compelled to do what we must do
We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden

Until the last resilient hope
Is frozen deep inside my bones
And this broken fate has claimed me
And my memories for its own
Your name is pounding through my veins
Can't you hear how it is sung?
And I can taste you in my mouth
Before the words escape my lungs
And I'll whisper only once...

There is a secret that we keep
I won't sleep if you won't sleep
Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given
We are compelled to do what we have to
We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden'

Cause you will be somebody's girl
And you will keep each other warm
But tonight I am feeling cold

UGH

WHY DO YOU PUT ME IN THESE SITUATIONS!?!?
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO SAY TO YOU?!?!

I regarded the world as such a sad sight until I viewed it in black and white

I didn't realize how much I missed my camera.

I kinda figured that since I went the whole summer without it, that was the reason partially of why I started painting again.

Same art, different medium

Since my camera was in California for so long, I went without photography for a good 3 months.

So I picked up my paintbrush again.

But since I have both again, I guess it's time to combine the 2 :)

are you listening to anything I’ve said?

Motion City Soundtrack- "Invisible Monsters"

It’s hard to believe I cannot exist without you.
As hard as I’ve tried, I cannot confess completely, yeah.
These words were not meant to induce acts of likewise behavior. (behavior)
It’s just part of the curse,
I’m just trying to stay alive.

Woah woah, are you out there?
Woah woah, are you listening at all?
Woah woah, are you out there?
Woah woah, are you listening to anything I’ve said?

It’s hard to admit, my weaknesses can consume me.
I search for the cure in the bottles of varied volumes, yeah.
The joke of it is I express myself without purpose (a purpose for living)
Yet you devour my small bits
Of madness and make-believe.

Woah woah, are you out there?
Woah woah, are you listening at all?
Woah woah, are you out there?
Woah woah, are you listening to anything I’ve said?

If I can pretend, I don’t depend.
I can deny, deny denial.
Yet when push comes to shove and all the above, I decide to live the lie.

An undecided heart makes such a mess

Cycles 1. Let's go
2. The Perfect Mistake
3. Faster Ride <3"You did it right, you did it right for some time. I couldn't give you what you want"
4. Deep South
5. Only You
6. It Still Remains <3
7. 27 Steps<3
8. See Me Now 9. Typical<3
10. Conventional Friend<3
And all this time I tried to fix you
Was just another way to avoid the issue
You're just a ruse
Another guise, another waste of my time"
11. Retrograde<3 "An undecided heart makes such a mess"


I was really excited for this album to come out
The previous cartel album's were completely underrated
"cartel" and "chroma" are simply genious
this one...does not live up to the other ones at all
a few of the songs are good, but as a whole, no. just no.
music dissapoints me yet again.

I got the mic and you got the mosh pit.

oh nostalgic nights.
first old journals
then old xangas
then old photobuckets.
I really never want to forget these websites
which is why I will keep them all here together.

http://abandoned-diary.xanga.com/
http://dorkette-sara.xanga.com/
http://lilbabisara.xanga.com/
http://evil-child-666.xanga.com/
http://heaven-take-me-hom3.xanga.com/
oh the imense amount of inside jokes on here
it's almost as if I was speaking a different language.
strangely I still remember what most of the stuff in their still means

http://s13.photobucket.com/albums/a279/abandoned_sara/
http://s19.photobucket.com/albums/b170/iloveyouuux3/

oh and the best website ever.
the losers website

http://www.geocities.com/we_are_losers_yea/

oh 12 yr old youth.

I still remember the day that they saw meatloaf in my cd collection

and just laughed at me

and felt the need to put it like all over that website that I liked meatloaf

and the keyclub website I had to make like 3 years ago

http://www.geocities.com/gc_keyclub/_mainpage.html

We're All Alone

This is an old journal entry. I had forgotten about this until recent conversation that I brought it up.

My Perfection.
I don't know how killings can be so random. And the way that people are killing, just seems so elementary. What happened to murders of passion, hate, fear & love? Or even the murders that made an impact.

The Black Dahlia... the famous unsolved case, that showed the beautiful are not immortal. Charles Manson killed Sharon Tate, the wife of Roman Polanski. The rich were not superhuman.
The Zodiac Killings in California portrayed the true power of the media. Even the school shooting of Columbine showed that even the young can change the face of history.

The outcomes that I get from these masacres are probably not what people think of when they are mentioned. However, these are the underlying messages.

Also most of the killers that get caught are the ones that kill out of spontaneity. The well thought out and planned are the ones that don't get caught. The unsolved cases also seem to be the most remembered at times, because of the fear that a person was actually capable of taking another life, and not faced with any consequences.

Would I ever kill? Probably not. At least not with any true intentions of killing. But if I were to ever kill, I would want it to be remembered. My efforts would not be in vain of the intensity of the actions.

The first matter would be... who to kill? I don't think I could do a random kill. I would know nothing of their lives or how important their lives impacts others. Like if I were to kill a loving parent, a devoted teacher, etc. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't kill a person with a good heart, but if I don't know them personally, there is no way to determine the sinners and the blessed.

But at the same time, if I were to kill those who were a bit defiled, how would I know if they were willing to change? So by this philosophy, I wouldn't be able to kill anyone.

But what if I killed someone, for the other person's benifit? What if the murder made them live forever in the media and history? I would only want neverending fame for someone I held close to me. So I would kill a person I love.

But what kind of love? A friend? Family? Lover?
A loved friend I could never kill
Family is not even a question
A lover though, I would kill.

Why a lover though? I guess for my own pride. I myself would be known as the brokenhearted girlfriend/wife of so-and-so who was murdered in a brutally brilliant way.
And for my lover's pride. They would be known forever. The murder would be the reason they would be talked about for centuries to come. The murder itself would be given a clever dark name. For the time shortly after the murder, they would be a famous. Front covers. Headlines. News stories. Photos. And because of the murder (it'll become more apparent later why), their name would have a semi-perminant place in the headlines, but a perminant place in human history.

The murder itself would be painless. Pain is not what this is about. I don't believe in torture or hurting someone else. Think of it more as a surgical procedure then a murder. It would be quiet, clean and precise.

Inspiration for what I would do with the body came from a song actually. Ex Lover's Lovers by Voltaire

"What if I were to cut you up and mail each partto a different town?
It would take the most
brilliant private eye the rest of his life
just to put you together.
a piece in each mailbox all over the planet
from Moscow to Tokyo to Guadalajara."

Mailing would be too risky. The postal service would not be a safe way to go.
Instead I would embalm the body pieces, to buy time. No need to rush.
I would travel the world, but only taking a few pieces at a time with me, returning home every now and then to retrieve more pieces. I would take each piece in a jar, and bury the jars in the most beautiful places of the world. I'd bury each piece with a song that was dear to us. The lyrics would speak of the love we have. I wouldn't mark the burial spots, but keep very detailed records of where the jars are.

It would take my lifetime to complete this. After I die, I would want my records to be found, and shared with the world.

I would want to show the world that love is not what it's made out to be. It's more than just roses, chocolates, movies, dinners, sex. It's about wanting the world for the other person. Wanting to show the world your love and showing your love the world. Not keeping anything a secret. Secrets don't belong in love. I would hope that my message would be taken for more than just a killing. Sometimes it's the extreme that really opens peoples eyes.
I would never be able to do this nor would I want to.
I just think it would be able to have impact and make people catechize what prenotions that they have about love, and realize why they love.

Change Will Come

19 years old.
Why does that sound so young?
I feel older, but once I realize i'm only 19,
I realize I'm just so young
I'm probably not as mature as I think I am
I'm not as experienced as I want to believe I am.
My birthday weekend was a lot of fun. Party on friday Adventures on Saturday and Sunday

Fiesta: all went well pretty much. Drinking, dancing, laughter. All with people I love. There was drama of course. Isn't there always?

Saturday: Went to battery park, and played the identity game and charades while drinking bicardi and PBR.

Sunday: Met this guy chris on the M train. 25 yr old actor from LA. We invited him to come along with us to the jazz fest. After, we all went to Daniel's apartment on the UWS where we drank steel reserve and played the identity game. Daniel is an amazing musician. He can hear a song, and play it on the piano right away. I'm purely jealous of talent like that. I feel bad though, he could be good for jackie, but he's leaving for a 5 month tour in november. I love meeting new people. Me and Barbara showed chris that nyc can be a welcoming place, and he said he was glad to have met such an awesome group of friends and that he hopes to hang soon.



I cant explain a thing.
No I want everything.
To change and stay the same,
the sun doesn't care about anyone
or anything.
Now come together
come apart, only get lonely
when you read the charts

And oh baby
when they made me, they broke the mold
Girls used to follow me around
Then I got cold

Now fly your cameras in the air
and wave 'em like you just don't care

I will never believe in anything again.
I will never believe in anything again.
Well, change will come,
Oh change will come.
I will never believe in anything again.

We will never believe again
kickdrum beating in my chest again
we will never believe again
Preach your lecture to a microphone stand (off)

Oh im a mascot for what you've become
and I love the mayhem more than the love.

And oh baby
when they made me, they broke the mold
Girls used to follow me around
then i got cold.

Now fly your cameras in the air
and wave 'em like you just don't care

I will never believe in anything again.
I will never believe in anything again.
Well, change will come,
Oh change will come.
I will never believe in anything again.

We will never believe again
kickdrum beating in my chest again
we will never believe again
Preach your lecture to a microphone stand (off)

Oh fly your cameras in the air,
and wave 'em cause i just don't care
fly your cameras in the air,
and wave 'em cause i just don't care

I will never believe in anything again.
I will never believe in anything again.
Oh well, change will come,
Oh change will come.
I will never believe in anything again.
I will never believe in anything again.
Ohohoh, change will come,
Oh change will come.
I will never believe in anything again.

We will never believe again
kickdrum beating in my chest again
we will never believe again
Preach your lecture to a microphone stand (off)
We will never believe again
get drunk baby we just depend on
we will never believe again
Preach your lecture to a microphone stand (off)

We will never believe again.

And if I fail well then I failed, but at least I gave you something.

So here I am.

On the eve of my birthday party.

With a fresh pack of parliaments, 711 iced coffee, paint and a canvas

I want her to love this. She doesn't know what she means to me.

I want to put so much into making her smile.

That's all I want.

I have only good expectations for our birthday party.

I want to enjoy it

But I know there's only so much that can make my mind forget.

I know the whole time what i'll be thinking

I'm not even sad or upset anymore.

It's more of an "impending doom" feeling.

Okay that's a little extreme.

It's upsetting even though I know I will move on.

I know what you're going to tell me.

You should have told me a long time ago.

Or at least just not make all of this go on for so long.

I gave you the option of letting this go so many times, but you were the one saying to keep going.

I guess I should've been the stronger one and stopped it all.

Cartel+ThisProvidence October 23? Yes please.

Cartel- If I fail

Time to go, "This is goodbye"
She said "Does it ever get easier to live like this"
And kiss the cheek
For I can't kiss you anymore
And I, I would honestly love you now
But I would lovingly let you down

Oh I have the hardest time resisting you
And oh if you
If you feel the same way then how can we be friends
He's right you know
We can't go on like this
And oh I try to give you everything
And if I fail well then I failed
But at least I gave you something

I could put my trust in giving up the heart
It makes the difference
And how can you afford to settle down
When I, I would promise to love you now
But I would lovingly let you down

Oh I have the hardest time resisting you
And oh if you
If you feel the same way then how can we be friends
He's right you know, we can't go on like this
And oh I try to give you everything
And if I fail well then I failed
But at least I gave you something

(It's better than silence)
(Give me one good reason)

It's better than silence (you know)
Give me one good reason (you know)
To leave this in silence (you know)
No, you don't have a good reason (you know)

If you feel the same way then how can we be friends
He's right you know, we can't go on like this
And oh I try to give you everything
And if I fail well then I failed
But at least I gave you something

It's better than silence
It's better than silence

and this is where we end.

just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

but it's just for the better.

I can't continue like this.

It's as if you're not even there when we're together.

I don't know what I deserve, because i'm not very deserving.

But I know I deserve to be involved with someone who might show me what I try to show them.

That's all I ask.

I tried so hard.

Probably even too hard.

I know I can't change you, and maybe I tried to without even knowing it.

Amazing birthday, huh?

Stop fearing love.

There are miles

and there is love

the miles are far

just as the lovers are.

Shake the miles

and shake the love

love, there's no point in waiting

when the wait is measured in miles.

There is you

and there is me

you are strange

and i'm the same

But i'm not strange

And you're not strange

We're strangely normal

but it's hard to see

They don't understand

And they don't see

what I see in you

why you would want me

I measure in miles

you measure in love

When the miles become zero

and when you learn to love

I'll stop measuring the love in miles

And you'll stop fearing love.

Oh I was a fool, but so were you.

so here I am at almost 7 in the morning.

unable to sleep

as usual.

I wish I could find what keeps me awake.

and stop it.

so much has happened, I don't even know where to begin.

but I know where it ends.

me being a bad person again.

that's always where it ends.

even if I don't try.

and even when I try to fix it, it still ends that way.

I hurt so many people with everything I do.

My biggest secret recently got out.

It was the worst thing I've ever done.

I can never be forgiven for it.

But at this point in time, I really don't care if I'm ever forgiven.

Others handled it like fucking children.

I feel like a fool now for even caring about it.

At first I wanted to salvage what I destroyed.

But at look back at recent history and I wonder if there's even anything left to salvage?

...or if it's even worth it?

I know they'll think that these are just cowardly actions of mine, but their's were equally cowardly.

I was a fool for thinking that my life was ruined because of it.

Honestly, not much has changed.

I look at all the terrible things that have happened,

and then I look at all the great things that have happened.

and the latter just completely outshines the former.

A few months ago, I wouldn't have thought I'd be in this position.

Walking on eggshells with every action I take.

But at the same time, I feel like I can just crush the eggshells without a care if they make a sound.

Right now, tracy isabel mitchell and hendryx are all sound asleep in the bedroom

while I'm writing away on hendryx's laptop.

Tracy and Isabel just recently started dating, and what a odd couple they seem to be

especially that tracy only about a month ago did not like isabel at all.

But when you tear down both their walls, it's like looking at 2 diaries.

And they're both just filled with stories of heartbreak, pain, insecurity, but packed with love.

It's gonna be hard for them. They both have a lot on their plates. Their plates are filled like as if an obese person were to go to an all-you-can-eat buffet.

But this will just test them. I have faith in both of them, that they can make whatever they want happen.

I'm gonna go attempt to sleep again.

Night/Morning.